I believe there is no worse feeling in life than investing years in a loving relationship or a friendship only to wake up one day and realize that your world isn’t everything you thought it was: Whether it’s personally, perceptively or both. In life, during it’s course, sometimes you repeatedly realize that a friend, or loved one has been all the time insincere and in the end may sell you out at any and sometimes every time. It is very difficult to understand. It shakes your world.
“Is it all my fault”? You ask yourself several times. If in the end, even you feel to a large degree justified, you realize there is more to the conflict within.
When it happens once, you think: "Shame on them". When it happens twice, by the same friend or love? Well it's the old cliché: "Shame on me". I recently realized that I had truly lost all the fight in me. I realized that if I didn’t re-invent myself, I wouldn’t survive long in what is SURELY coming our way in this current world, and very soon. I still may not survive, but I have decided I will go down swinging. This decision ended a phase of calamity within the calamity. I got some rest, recharged my psyche, took an audit of my life and made decisions to reapply myself in the areas of priority. I woke up around 4:40 AM few mornings ago renewed, feeling fantastic and ready to produce. Took a swim and sat down to work at what I have invested myself for the past 7 months in. and 5 hours later or so, I didn’t "have a job" anymore. Then I realized for the first time that it wasn’t what was sold to me, it was simply a job, and I was simply an employee, no matter what bullshit I had bought- (which is why I normally won’t work for anyone, but myself and if it’s with anyone, it’s usually someone I hire on).
Honestly? Devastating. I have had many business ventures, and several of them successful ones. I can remember making promises and/or agreements with people who went to work for me and I can remember never once going back on one of those commitments. I have lost money on contracts willingly to ensure completion of my obligation. Not Once in my recollection, have I ever made the decision walked away from a job unfinished! I am prideful of that, if not mush else. Out of the few things I have done in my life that I can be proud of, this is among them. While I can not evade the truth regarding many of my actions & mistakes in my life, both logical and ethical, my integrity in this area has been without failure. I have never said I love you, and not meant it, willing to prove it beyond just words. I have never betrayed a true friend and never will. I have never evaded a mistake I have made with a true friend by “silencing” (or doing away with) that friendship. I am very happy about this realization, and I declare that no matter what has been “done” or happened to me, it doesn’t take away from this integrity. No matter what mistakes I have made, who and what I have done wrong, I can still consider myself a good, loving friend. I have lost a friend whom I thought was true, but in the end I was kidding myself as I am prone to do. IF I didn’t have several true friends, whom I have been friends with for in many cases thirty years or more, than I might question myself more. I did everything I could. Nothing and no one is perfect, but there will always be something I can only describe as “honor among thieves” (not that we are thieves you understand). I must question: Is it the nature of true Pirates to sacrifice each other, forsaking any bonds to advance themselves? I grew up believing the opposite. Honor and integrity among Pirates? As far as I am concerned, there are certain things which transcend the changing of times. Love, respect, friendship, loyalty, honesty, fair play are among these. The questions of basic ethics are not in my opinion, a changing thing. When you invest yourself in a long term endeavor, and find out you’ve proceeded based upon deceptive tenets, it can be so very discouraging that it will bring you to the border of depression. Hard stuff to admit to oneself. It is also hard to swallow when that you know your fault in the issue, yet know deep inside that your overall premise is true and correct. You have no choice but to stand your ground. ( I mean, you could swallow your pride and be patronizing.) The best you can do is to HEAR, consider and hope to be heard. When and if you are silenced, YOU SHOULD understand that you have been validated in THAT alone. It doesn’t make it any easier to swallow, but you should still be a little prideful of your behavior. If a friend makes a commitment or pledge to another friend and doesn’t live up to that pledge or obligation, no amount of justification or shift in ethics will veil the contradiction. He will attack you, blame you, insult you, disregard and invalidate your efforts thinking "this is necessary because I am right. I know." Denying everything he has learned and benefitted from a supportive fan.
Have you ever asked yourself that given the dilemma of “jumping on the grenade, or allowing the friend or loved one to die, what would I do”? When you carry a flag, any flag, you have no expectations. Well, maybe a few. I mean, “Gunga Din” got a poem.
But back to “your friend”:
He must convince himself he had a reason to betray that commitment. As you watch the hypocrite build that house of cards, you watch your friend disappear, absorbed into the world he originally set out to conquer and change for the better until he is just another carpetbagger in a den of carpetbaggers. I once told a friend: "Be careful who you sleep with, when you wake up, you may find that you have lost your identity. You won't know where you end and they begin".
I say this: There is no lower form of life than one that commits and purports to want to change the world, right wrongs and help those who need help while all the time holding truly only their own self interest and gain in mind. You can only wonder about the type pf person who expresses nothing but hate and contempt for mankind in one breath, and extols his own capacity for love and desire to help these very same “poor morons” in the next.
It is extremely narcissistic to portray your perception of mankind as a flawed, mediocre or even pathetic race, and yet proclaim yourself elevated, separated from it. You can say all of the nice "politician" type’s words, phrases and clichés you like. You can copy and paste all of the famous quotes, pander and deliver lip service to all the right people who will pave the way for you to get what you want but in the end- every man reveals his true nature at some point.
Takers and givers, that’s what human beings are but mostly takers, There are very few who earnestly endeavor to find a balance among this entropic chaos, but balance is the true serenity in this life. A good agreement between men is a very important part of life among them, and so is the word of a man. Convincing yourself you are something you are not only convinces you, not those around you. In the end, you may be "successful" in gathering material wealth, but there will always be a price to pay from yourself, for doing so even if it is at the expense of others as well.
The way you treat people in this world says more about you than them, and will make you feel just the same about yourself, as you make them feel in one way, or another..... I could be wrong, but this is my observation. In the end, what is most important is I want to be fair. I hope my son has the opportunity to read these words in the way I mean them someday. I believe this world is changing drastically, and very soon, the world will have little in common with the one some of us older people have known. I believe the cliche' that: Soon, my father wouldnt even recognize the world we live in, certainly not the society.
I have decided I will spend every minute doing the most important thing I can think of: My son Thomas and I had a swim together at dawn this morning, and we discussed the universe. I am prayiong it will be one of those conversations he remembers for the rest of his days. I know I will. I believe this has been the second happiest dawning of a day in my life. I truly believe that regardless of how momentarily unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, and materially un-nerved I may be.
I could die a happy man today if GOD wills it. Contrary to what they want to tell you, there IS a creator, and we are part of that whole.
Everything beyong that is supposition.
I truly pray the blessings of the creator, the architect of this universe will be with us. “No matter what mistakes I have made, who and what I have done wrong, I can still consider myself a good, loving friend long. I have lost a friend whom I thought was true, in the end I was kidding myself as I am prone to do.”-
"It is no measure of one's health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society” - Krishna Murti
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